Deal Breakers: Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems
In every relationship, disagreements and conflicts are inevitable. However, understanding the nature of these conflicts can help couples navigate them more effectively. According to relationship experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman, there are two main types of problems in relationships: perpetual and solvable problems. Recognizing the difference between these can be crucial for maintaining a healthy and satisfying relationship.
Perpetual Problems
Perpetual problems are ongoing issues that stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle. These problems don't necessarily have a clear resolution and often resurface throughout the relationship. The key to managing perpetual problems is to find ways to dialogue about them respectfully and empathetically, rather than trying to "solve" them. Here are some common examples of perpetual problems:
Career Ambitions: One person is career-driven while the other prioritizes work-life balance, creating tension over time and effort dedicated to professional versus personal life.
Parenting Styles: One person is strict, the other is lenient, resulting in disagreements about child-rearing approaches.
Socializing Preferences: One person enjoys going out often, the other prefers staying home, causing friction over social activities.
Travel Preferences: One person loves adventurous travel, the other prefers relaxing vacations, leading to conflicts over holiday plans.
Health and Fitness: One person is very health-conscious, the other is not, creating differences in lifestyle and daily routines.
Communication Styles: One person is direct, the other is indirect, leading to misunderstandings and frustration.
Conflict Resolution: One person avoids conflict, the other confronts it head-on, resulting in disagreements over handling disputes.
Emotional Expression: One person is highly expressive, the other is reserved, causing mismatched expectations in emotional sharing.
Decision Making: One person makes decisions quickly, the other is indecisive, leading to frustration and delays in action.
Introvert vs. Extrovert: One person thrives on social interaction and external stimuli, while the other needs solitude and quiet time to recharge, leading to conflicts over social activities and personal space.
Financial Priorities: One person prioritizes saving and investing for the future, while the other prefers spending on experiences and enjoying the present, leading to ongoing disagreements about financial decisions.
Pets: One person wants to have pets, while the other does not, resulting in continual debates about pet ownership and care.
Dietary Preferences: One person follows a strict dietary regimen, such as veganism or keto, while the other has a more relaxed or different dietary preference, causing challenges in meal planning and dining together.
Time Management: One person is punctual and values strict adherence to schedules, while the other is more flexible and often runs late, leading to frustration and tension in managing time together.
Household Aesthetics: One person prefers a minimalist, clutter-free home environment, while the other enjoys a more decorative and eclectic style, causing disagreements over home decor and organization.
Solvable Problems
Solvable problems, on the other hand, are situational and can be addressed through effective communication, compromise, and problem-solving strategies. These issues may arise from specific circumstances and do not necessarily reflect deeper, ongoing differences. Here are some examples of solvable problems:
Division of Household Chores: Agreeing on a fair distribution of chores can help balance the workload and reduce resentment.
Sexual Intimacy: Discussing and negotiating desires and frequency can help meet both partners' needs.
Socializing Preferences: Finding a balance between going out and staying in can satisfy both partners' social needs.
Travel Preferences: Alternating between adventurous and relaxing vacations can accommodate both preferences.
Time Management: Developing a schedule that respects both punctuality and flexibility can reduce tension.
Financial Priorities: Creating a budget that balances saving and spending on experiences can align financial goals.
Entertainment Choices: Compromising on movie nights and reading time can cater to both interests.
Household Aesthetics: Finding a middle ground between minimalism and decorative styles can create a harmonious living space.
Friendship Boundaries: Establishing clear and respectful boundaries regarding friendships can ease discomfort.
Sleep Habits: Adjusting sleep schedules or finding compromise times can help both partners get adequate rest.
Dietary Preferences: Respecting each other's dietary choices and finding common meals can support a harmonious diet.
Hygiene Standards: Agreeing on cleanliness standards and routines can maintain a comfortable living environment.
Substance Use: Discussing and respecting each other's choices regarding substance use can prevent conflict.
Spiritual Practices: Supporting each other's spiritual practices, even if different, can strengthen the relationship.
Extended Family Involvement: Negotiating the frequency and type of family visits can meet both partners' preferences
Understanding whether a problem is perpetual or solvable can help couples approach conflicts with the right mindset. Perpetual problems require ongoing dialogue and empathy, while solvable problems can often be addressed with specific strategies and compromises. By recognizing these distinctions, couples can work together to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship, navigating the inevitable challenges that come their way.
For a longer list of perpetual problems Here is a download our List of 50 Perpetual Problems and our Most Common Solvable Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them.
References
https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/
